Breathing

Last night, my house was filled with the beautiful sounds of laughter and conversation that only a group of ladies can bring. It made my heart so happy. I love being around people and learning about them. I especially learning the crazy little trivia factoids that eventually bring inside jokes and laughs just when you need them.  I love it when you catch the eye of someone when you are connecting with them and you both just know you made a connection. It was like an energizing breathing, in and out, going through my family room, dining room and kitchen. I felt renewed. I experienced joy. In a way, it was like the first flutters of a crush. You get a little jumpy. Your heart beats a little bit faster and you are thinking, “this is great, I want my heart to sing like this again!” What a gift – to realize that you can be swept from everything familiar and comfortable and pleasant in your life and find yourself in this bit of bliss. It brings hope. It brings dreams of things yet to come.

This morning, my breathing was a bit more labored. I was up before dawn, playing possible scenarios in my mind of how my upcoming medical test was going to play out. I had to be at the radiologist bright and early today for a second, more in-depth ultrasound. Think pink ribbons. Think La Leche League. Yeah, those. I had already received a report of “suspicious” and “irregular” and here I was on the precipice of “what-if Land.”  I had peace about how it was all going to end, I just was uncertain about the middle. In my mind, (a scary place, indeed) I pictured every possible scenario. I am not the kind of person to keep things to myself, so I had a few people in my life who knew what was going on. This still doesn’t always make you breathe easier, does it?

It felt like I had on a snorkel with a hole in it as I swam in the ocean. I was getting air, but other stuff was getting in, too. The radiologist did such a great job with me. I could feel myself getting more oxygen to my brain the longer I laid on that skinny table. I watched the screen as if I knew what I was looking for. As if the bad image would have flashing lights around it, shouting with frenzy, screaming, “Look here! Don’t miss this!” But those images never appeared for me. In fact, the radiology tech made a point of showing me exactly what we weren’t seeing. Breathing slower now, eyes closed, smelling sweetness all around me. I literally ran to the waiting room where my precious boys were sitting and breathed in their beauty and goodness and the Grace that I was experiencing flowing over me like the chocolate fountain from the night before. It was bliss.

Tonight, I feel more hope than I have for a long time. What the plans are for me. What my future might hold. What my life might look like in this new land. I breathe. I breathe deeply. I let the scents of  past, present and future mingle around me and I try to capture this new aroma for a while. I breathe.

~Janna

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LeAnne Wadsworth
    Oct 28, 2009 @ 21:17:28

    WOW! What a story! Thank you so much for sharing your heart; and in such a beautiful way might I add. So glad your medical stuff turned out good. And thank you for the hope this story stirs in me because of the new, uncomfortable, don’t know anyone place I am about to be in real soon. I love HOPE! Thanks for being you!

    Love ya,
    LeAnne

    Reply

  2. Christina
    Oct 28, 2009 @ 23:46:13

    beautiful writing, Janna

    Reply

  3. Kellie
    Oct 29, 2009 @ 12:24:41

    Lovely, like smelling a pumpkin spice candle…

    Reply

  4. Nancy Briggs
    Oct 29, 2009 @ 12:34:26

    Janna, You make me so proud. You are doing an awesome job on your blog. Nana

    Reply

  5. Shirley Eddy
    Oct 29, 2009 @ 17:52:23

    Janna,
    That was so inspiring. I am so grateful everything turned out okay.

    Reply

  6. Lauren
    Oct 29, 2009 @ 22:53:17

    loved this, Janna… what great descriptions!
    So happy for you, too.
    hugs…
    Lauren

    Reply

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