Deep Sigh

It’s Saturday night and we are spent. The past week has been a blur.

Last Tuesday, we made the 9 hour drive north to be with my mother in love in her last days on this earth. We were able to once again tell her how much we loved her and we heard it back. Our boys were able to do the same. It was precious. I will never, ever forget it. Ever. God’s mercy was so abundant to all of us as we sat in the hospital. The next day, she was no longer able to speak.  This life was ending for her. She was in so much pain. At one point, I had to leave the room to compose myself because her pain was so evident – my heart was breaking. This woman…this beautiful woman who raised my amazing husband, who loved my children unconditionally and fantastically, who loved me more than I deserved…This is the woman we were watching in that bed. We prayed for mercy. She had prayed for mercy. God answered our prayers hours after we left her that evening. She is no longer suffering as we do. She is whole, she is healed. I am thankful.

Last night we had the visitation at the funeral home for her. There were so many people there. It blessed us. We cried a little. We laughed some. Our boys did so well. We didn’t know how they would react to the image of their Nana.  We saw people we hadn’t seen in years – some Tommy hadn’t seen since he was the age of our middle son. They all remarked at all tall he had gotten. (He is six foot eight!)

Today was the day. Her funeral was this morning. She planned pretty much the entire thing. It was beautiful.  I kept expecting to look over and see her enjoying herself with the music. I really did.  At Easter, when we were all together last, she told Tommy she wanted him to do her funeral with his Daddy. That was hard to hear. It was hard to imagine him doing it. He did such a good job, though.  She was so proud of him being a pastor like his Daddy. She would have loved what he said. The whole service was wonderful. As wonderful as it could possibly be.

And now we begin a life without her in it. I don’t really know how that’s going to work.  I still had so much to learn from her. When we were at their house yesterday, I kept waiting for her to call for me from the other room. I ached to hear her voice. Tommy left the house for a while with our oldest to wash his Daddy’s car, our two other boys were quietly watching a movie and my sweet Father in Love was resting in his room. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her chair. I tried to find little jobs to do that would take me anywhere but there, but finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I curled up in a fetal position in her chair and sobbed. My nose trying to find her scent lingering there.  I stayed there for several minutes and marveled that God would place me in a family like this.  That He would give me a second mother who cherished me and told me so all the time. I am thankful. I am blessed.

So tonight, I take a deep sigh and prepare to rest. I haven’t had good sleep in about two weeks. My mind races as I shut my eyes. I need some sleep. I know we will have some hard things yet to get through, but I am confident we will get through them together, as a family.

What beauty is this life! What beauty yet to come….

Out on the bay

~Janna

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pamela Guinn
    Aug 14, 2010 @ 23:31:07

    Janna,

    I love your honesty and open heart. This is such a process and there will be good days and bad days but you all have each other and most of all God. I’m so blessed to know you all but especially Nancy. She was a true treasure. Praying for peace and comfort to your hearts. Again, if there is anything at all I can do to help please don’t hesitate to call or email.

    Blessings to you

    Pam

    Reply

    • Janna
      Aug 24, 2010 @ 21:04:00

      Thanks, Pam. I am glad it’s a process. Otherwise, I would be terrified that how I feel right now was going to stay forever….

      Love you guys!

      Janna

      Reply

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